


Weakness

by transboykobrakid (Lucipoo)



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Watford (Simon Snow), they're idiots basically, this was gonna be a one shot but i have no self control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-03-03 10:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13339770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucipoo/pseuds/transboykobrakid
Summary: That weakness was what Baz really wanted to hide from Snow, the weakness of being in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first snowbaz thing I've written so I hope y'all like it!!

Baz woke up in a cold sweat. His heart was pounding, the darkness around him seeming to fill his lungs like smoke. He thought he was over the nightmares, it had been years since that day in the nursery, yet he still found himself struggling to get through the night.

He sighed and turned over on his side, looking over at Simon. The other boy was fast asleep, never seeming to notice whenever Baz had nightmares. He was thankful for this, though. He didn't exactly want Snow to know that he experienced weakness like this.

Baz rolled over on to his back again, not wanting to think about Snow any longer. His life was already hard enough without thinking about his roommate all the time. But sometimes he couldn't help it, and his mind would wander to thoughts of curly hair and freckle covered cheeks.

That weakness was what Baz really wanted to hide from Snow, the weakness of being in love.

His father had always told Baz to never focus on love, for it always ended in heartache. He knew his father only said this because of what happened to his mother- his _r_ _eal_  mother, of course, not that imposter Grimm step mother who his father insisted Baz call "mom." No, his father always meant Baz's real mother whenever he talked about love. Baz wasn't even sure if he actually loved Daphne or if he just married her for convenience, it didn't speak highly of love for a married man.

Baz did agree with him, though. All being in loved did was cause him to be distracted from what _really_  mattered. All of the wars that he was somehow expected to play a role in. Him, the emotional and hormonal fifteen year old. He really did not understand how adults made these decisions. But, they did have one thing correct:

In the grand scheme of things, Snow was just an annoyance. An annoyance who was most likely going to kill him someday.

Crowley, he needed to shut off his thoughts, just for _one_  night. That's all he wanted, why couldn't he just have that?

He turned over to watch Snow again, wanting to pretend for a minute that things would be okay. He watched as Simon's chest rose and fell, as his mouth parted slightly and his legs switched. He was mesmerizing to watch sleep, Baz often would try to guess what he was dreaming about. Probably something about butter and goats. Maybe goat butter.

Maybe it was something about him killing Baz.

He tried to ignore this thought, but it was already lodged into the front of his mind. He tried going to sleep again, but every time he closed his eyes he would just see the fire consuming everything around him, his mother screaming for someone to protect him...

Somestimes Baz wondered if sleeping pills worked on a vampire.

Life was bleak for Baz, he let himself wallow in pity for just a few moments before making himself stop. He didn't want to sleep, though, so instead he just got up and left the room, deciding to make a trip into the catacombs. He didn't need to feed, he just needed some time to himself.

Knowing his luck, Snow would probably wake up and follow him down there. Again. Why couldn't he just leave Baz alone? Life was hard enough without having Snow watching his every move. It's not like he would ever find out anything interesting, Baz was too smart to let Snow find any actual evidence of his vampirism. Snow didn't follow him this time, though. Baz finally was able to get to sleep, surrounded by rodents and spiders, lying on the floor near his mothers grave.

When he woke up it was still dark out, which meant he had only slept for a few more hours. He begrudgingly left the catacombs, knowing it would be worse for him if Snow woke up and he wasn't in the room.

He made his way up the tower to their room. Whoever decided to let them have their own private suite at the top of a tower must have hated Baz personally. It probably was the Mage's descision.  
Baz opened the door as quietly as he could, but something felt off.

It only was after be opened the door and was greeted by Snow standing in front of him, arms crossed over his chest and giving Baz the most adorable glare that he realized what that weird feeling was. How he wasn't able to notice the wretched feeling of Snow's magic was a mystery. Maybe all his sleepless nights were finally starting to affect him.

"Where were you?" Snow asked, an accusing tone in his voice.  
But Baz was so tired and he could see his bed just past where Snow was standing, he didn't have the energy to deal with his dimwitted roommate at the moment.

"Leave it, Snow, I'm not in the mood," Baz tried to push past Snow, but he stopped him before he could get to his bed.

"I said, where _were_  you!" Snow repeated, stepping closer to Baz.

Baz rolled his eyes, moving past Snow finally and sitting on his bed. Snow was still riled and Baz knew he wouldn't be able to let this go. But, he wasn't going go give up without a fight, so he looked up at Snow and responded, "Yes, I heard you, Snow. No need to burst a blood vessel for me."

"Well then why aren't you telling me where you were!"

"Because, Snow, I don't have to tell you everything I do. I know that is a hard idea for you to wrap your head around, so l'll give you a moment," Baz said, starting to take off his shoes so maybe Snow would get the hint and _l_ _eave him alone._

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It means I'm tired of you constantly following me around and trying to get into my business! Crowley, Snow, not everything I do revolves around you!" Baz snapped, standing back up and getting into Snow's personal space. It wasn't a complete lie, although he did go to the catacombs as often as he did because of Snow. Because he needed to get away from Snow and his beautiful hair and his-

Fuck, Snow was looking at him weirdly. Fuck. _Fuck_. Was he somehow letting his emotions spill into his expression? That would not do. He took a step away from Snow, needing to give himself space to breath, to think through what he was actually doing or saying.

Except Snow wasn't letting him move away, reaching out to grab Baz's arm and pulling him back in close. Baz tried to break free from Snow's grasp, but he was so tired and Snow was surprisingly strong.

"Let go of my arm," Baz growled, still trying to fight against Snow's grip, "Anathema!"

"I'm not trying to hurt you!" Snow said, "I just- you looked upset."

"I am upset, upset that I'm stuck with _y_ _ou_  as a roommate."

Snow threw his hands up with a huff, mumbling, "Why do I even try?"

"Try what?" Baz asked, now curious.

"Try to be _n_ _ice_  to you."

"In what world is you keeping me up when I'm exhausted and demanding to know every aspect of my life you being _nice_? Unless this is how you and Bounce treat each other, in which case my condolences."

"Why are you so tired? Why are you even awake right now, it's 5 in the morning!"

"I could ask you the same thing!"

"I asked you first!"

"You sound like a child, Snow."

"I'm still right! Can you just give me an answer?" Snow was starting to sound frustrated, and Baz could smell his magic seeping into the air between them.

The last thing he wanted was for Snow to go off on him, so in a moment of weakness he said, "Fine."

"Wait, really?"

"Snow, you do realize you're actually getting what want, right? Don't make me change my mind."

"No! No, sorry, I just didn't realize you, y'know, would actually go for it," Snow laughed, running his hand through his hair. Fuck, he was beautiful.

Baz rolled his eyes and sat on his bed, looking up at Snow when he said, "To answer your question, I was down in the catacombs again- and before you say some nonsensical theory about me being a vampire again, I was not _feeding._  I go down there to get some space away from people. Or, I _used_ to, before you started spending all your free to making sure I can never have alone time."

"Why the catacombs, though? I'm sure there's somewhere less... Creepy you could go to have alone time."

"There is no where else, Snow, especially since now you won't even let me have the catacombs to myself."

"I thought you were planning my downfall," Snow said, sitting across from Baz on his own bed, "Although that sounds silly now."

"It is more then silly," Baz said, "it's ridiculous. Do you really think I just blindly go along with everything my family wants for me? I'm not a mindless minion, as hard as that is for you to believe."

"You have tried to kill me before," Snow pointed out.

Baz grinned widely, "That's just for fun, Snow, learn the difference."

Snow leaned forward on his bed, shoving at Baz and saying, "Prick."

Baz laughed, feeling warm inside. In all the years he had known Simon he had never talked to him like this, never felt like this in anything more then in his imagination. He almost was convinced that he fell asleep and was currently dreaming, it made much more sense then the reality.

Snow looked at him strangely again, but this time before Baz could react Simon grinned at him, saying, "I've never heard you laugh like that before."

"Laugh like what?" Baz asked, still laughing a bit.

"Y'know, in a genuinely not mean way. Before I had only heard you laugh while mocking me."

Baz stopped laughing then, suddenly feeling sad. He had known Snow for five years and had never properly laughed in front of the other boy. His heart ached thinking about all the wonderful memories he could've shared with Simon if only he hadn't been so bitter and angry.

"I really am a prick, aren't I?" Baz said, suddenly feeling an extreme guilt for all the things he did to Snow through the years.

"Well, yeah, obviously you are," Simon laughed, "I thought you knew you were."

"I mean... I guess I know to some extent, it's just pretty said, isn't it? We've known each other for five years- we've been  _roommates_  for five years, yet you've only just now heard me fucking laugh. That's pretty fucked, right?"

"Yeah, well, we're sworn enemies, or whatever."

"Who ever decided we had to be sworn enemies?"

"I thought _you_  did," Snow said, "I mean, you did act like you hated me before we even knew each other. I would've been totally fine with being friendly with you, you just hadn't let me until now."

"Really? But you're the Mage's heir and- and I'm a Pitch."

"I didn't even know what that meant when I first met you, I thought you acted like that just because that's who you were as a person. If I had known you were a fucking introvert with an attraction to places that look like they belong in a B horror movie, I wouldn't have tried to continue on with this dumb rivalry."

"Well why's that? I'm still a prick, even if I am a multi-leveled prick."

Snow rolled his eyes and fell backwards onto his bed, "You're impossible."

"What? I'm being honest here, you should be flattered that I'm telling you anything. Vulnerability isn't exactly my strong suit."

"This is you being vulnerable?!"

"Don't mock me, Snow, talking to you like this isn't easy! I'm trying to be friendly, isn't that enough?"

"Yes, yes, I'm sorry," Snow said, sounding legitimately apologetic. He sat up on his bed, then had a decisive look on his face as he moved over onto Baz's bed.

Baz raised his eyebrow, hoping his heart wasn't beating loud enough for Simon to hear. He was sitting so close, why was he doing this?

Simon bumped his shoulder up against Baz, asking, "So why did you need alone time in the middle of the night?"

"Haven't I told you enough?"

"Sorry, I was just asking 'cause I'm curious."

They both went silent after that, neither of them knowing what to say. Baz was tired, but Snow was still on his bed and he wouldn't be able to sleep as long as he stayed. He was conflicted, loving Simon's presence but also needing to sleep.

After another minute of Baz's internal conflict, he finally made a descision and cleared his throat, breaking the silence and saying,"I think it's time we both go back to sleep. We have school tomorrow, after all. "

"Oh, yeah, of course," Snow gave him a lopsided grin and added, "Thanks for the talk, Pitch, I liked it a lot."

Baz watched as Snow went back to his own bed, before he let himself lie down and fall asleep. He didn't want to get his hopes up that this night would change the dynamic of his relationship with Snow, but Simon had always been his biggest weakness and his mind was already thinking through everything that had just happened.

The truth was, his hopes were already far past the stars in the sky. Baz was hopelessly in love with Simon Snow, and for once that didn't seem all that bad.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon groaned and laid back down, “I can’t believe you knew and didn’t tell me!”
> 
> “I thought you knew already and were too scared to tell me!”
> 
> “No! I just had no clue!”
> 
> “Well, now we know,” Penelope said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hm. yes i made this multiple chapters,,,,, i couldnt help myself lmaooo
> 
> anyway i hope yall enjoy!

Baz hadn't been getting sleep, that was obvious to Simon. What wasn't obvious was  _ why _  he was not getting sleep. They hadn't talked a lot since the other night, but Baz also hadn't been as much of a prick, so that must mean something.

Simon hadn't been able to stop thinking about that night ever since it happened. He almost was convinced he had dreamed it. Except that morning when he woke up, Baz had just given him a smile before heading into the bathroom to shower. That had been a first.

But now he was ignoring Simon, which made him surprisingly sad. He almost was missing the fighting and the mocking words, he just wanted Baz to pay attention to him.

The worst part was he didn't know why he was missing Baz so much, it’s not like he ever enjoyed Baz’s presence back when he wasn’t ignoring Simon. 

But Simon’s feelings for Baz had changed that night, whether he liked it or not, and now he was missing his asshole of a roommate. If only Baz hadn’t shown vulnerability in front of him, that had ruined everything. Now Simon felt bad for him and wanted to know why he constantly looked so exhausted. 

Damn Baz and his sad, beautiful eyes.

Simon almost wanted to follow Baz whenever he snuck out of their room at night, but now that thought just filled him with guilt. Baz deserved alone time, and having his roommate follow him around constantly wasn’t fair. Simon could admit to himself that he had also been a prick.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Baz, but now he was less scared that he was plotting and more scared that something was wrong. He seemed so frail, not in his body- his body still looked _fantastic_. No, it all was in his eyes. His eyes had been so sad lately, even if his exterior was still the cold, confident Baz he always was.

Simon was determined to talk to Baz, even if it meant them fighting again. 

Simon and Penelope were having tea together, but Simon was distracted and lost track of what she was saying. He didn’t mean to ignore her, but he couldn’t help it. Thankfully, she had gotten used to his distractible nature. She hadn’t noticed that he had been zoning out yet, so she was still talking- possibly about some book that her parents had recently acquired, Simon wasn’t sure- when Simon cleared his throat, a guilty expression on his face when he said, “Uhm, I’m sorry, what were you saying?”

Penelope rolled her eyes, but she had a smile on her face which showed that she wasn’t actually upset at him. She laughed a bit, pushing her hair out of her face and saying, “It’s fine, I wasn’t talking about anything important anyway. What’s up? Something on your mind, or was I just boring you?”

“You weren’t boring me, silly,” Simon laughed, “I just was distracted, that’s all.”

“Something on your mind?”

“Yeah, it’s just, Baz has-”

Penelope groaned loudly and laid her face on the table, which Simon thought was much too over dramatic considering all he said was his roommates name. She turned her head so she was looking up at Simon, saying, “What is it this time? Did you see him roaming in the catacombs again? Is he finally actually plotting your downfall? Did all your hours of stalking him finally pay off?”

“Oh hush, I was not _stalking_  him.”

“I’m pretty sure following someone around constantly and never letting them have alone time counts as stalking, Simon.”

“Whatever, I wasn’t saying anything negative this time,” Simon huffs, “I was going to say that I’m worried about him.”

Penelope sat up at this, a confused look on her face when she asked, “Why are you worried about that prick? You do remember how badly he’s been treating you for the past five years, right?”

“In his defense, I was also a prick to him. I mean, I started that whole ‘vampire’ rumor,” Which, to be fair, he still believed was true. Even if Baz had claimed to just go into the catacombs to have some alone time, Simon wasn’t going to let him off that easy. It just made sense that he was a vampire.

“Oh, you still think he’s a vampire, don’t lie.”

Simon grinned sheepishly, Penelope always knew what he was thinking. It was annoying at times, but he still loved her and all her annoying quirks. 

“Well, maybe I do,” Simon admitted, “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be worried about him. He just looks so sad recently, and he hasn’t talked to me once in three days. Not even to mock me! And before you say something about this being normal, I tripped while leaving the bathroom last night ands he said _nothing_. He didn’t even mock me with his eyes!”

“He didn’t?” Penelope asked, the confused look back on her face. Baz was such a mystery that he could confuse even Penelope.

“No! I’m telling you, something is wrong,” Simon almost brought up what had happened the other night, but decided against it. It wasn’t his place to tell Penelope about Baz’s vulnerable side.

“Well why don’t you just follow him? That’s what you usually do in situations like these,” Penelope asked, taking a sip of tea as she did so. Simon couldn’t tell if she was mocking him at all, but decided to just ignore it if she was.

“I promised him I’d stop doing that,” Simon replied honestly.

“You _promised_  him?!” Penelope asked, and Simon knew that if they were on a reality TV show, she would’ve spewed tea onto his face. That’s how surprised she had sounded.

“Well, yeah... he told me he needed alone time and having me follow him everywhere was becoming more than just a nuisance. Quite an introvert, that one.” 

Okay, so maybe he would tell Penelope a little bit about Baz’s vulnerable side.

“Well why the sudden change in attitude towards him? Did something happen?”

“We sort of had a long talk the other night, about, y’know, more emotional type stuff.”

Or maybe he would tell her all about Baz’s vulnerable side, that worked too. Merlin, Simon was a bit of a prick. In his defense, Baz had never forbade him from telling Penelope what had happened, so really Simon was doing nothing wrong.

He still felt a tad guilty for telling Penelope.

“ _ Emotional _  stuff? How did that even come up? You know what, I actually don’t want to know. I don’t like thinking of Baz as anything more than your asshole roommate, it’s not natural.”

“Well, that’s a bit mean, innit? He is a person, y’know,” Simon said, not entirely sure why he was standing up for Baz. 

“Simon, I have had to hear you rant on and on about how terrible Baz was for the past five years, I think I’m allowed a little bit of disbelief here.”

“All I’m saying is, there’s more to him than I initially believed. I think I’m gonna head back to my room, I wanna see if Baz is there so I can talk to him.”

Penelope leaned back in her chair, a smile on her face as she shook her head and said, “You are full of surprises today, Simon. Go have emotional talks with your dickish roommate, I’m sure that will be much more fun than sitting here with boring ol’ me.”

“Don’t be dramatic, Penelope,” Simon grinned, “You’ll always be my favorite.”

\-----

Simon made his way back up to his room, only to find that it was empty. Drats, he had hoped to talk to Baz some more. He didn’t even know why he was so desperate to find him, or why he was so let down that he wasn’t in the room, but something had changed in Simon and now all he wanted was to be near Baz.

He could go out and try to find Baz, but he didn’t want the other boy to think he was, ahem, (totally not) stalking him again. So he waited in the room, pacing it’s length and re-organizing all of his things to pass the time. It was only after his fifth time folding his uniform that he realized Baz must be out practicing football, which meant he wouldn’t be in for at least another hour.

Simon sighed and sat on the bed, not even sure why he wanted to talk to Baz so badly. Baz probably wouldn’t even want to talk to him, he probably has just been avoiding Simon because he didn’t want him to think that that talk meant anything. 

This just made Simon even more disappointed, so he decided to take a nap to clear his head. Thinking was never exactly his strong suit, so he never did it when he could control it.

Simon didn’t know how long he slept, but when he woke up the shower was running and it had gotten dark outside. Simon sat up in his bed, rubbing at his eyes sleepily to try and wake himself up. He hadn’t meant to sleep for so long, but he also didn’t have any classes that day (that he could remember) so it wasn’t that much of a loss.

The shower stopped and Simon froze up. He knew it was stupid to tense up from the knowledge that he would be seeing his roommate, but he couldn’t help it. Things felt so weird with Baz right now and even though he had wanted to talk to him earlier, now that it was actually going to happen he felt nervous.

The bathroom door opened and Baz walked out, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. Suddenly Simon forgot everything he wanted to say, because he was stuck staring at Baz. It’s not that he had never seen Baz just after he showered, it was just that Simon had never really realized exactly how hot he was. His hair was damp and dripping water onto his bare chest, and something deep inside of him really wanted to walk over to him and lick the water off of his chest.

Once that thought came into his mind, Simon immediately freaked out. He stood up, getting off the bed abruptly and saying, “I have to go meet Penelope,” much too loudly, than ran out of the room.

He had never thought about Baz like that before. He had never thought about _anyone_  like that before, not really. Yes, he had thought a few of the other blokes in some of the foster homes he had been in were quite fit, but he never wanted to act on it. At least, not as much as he did in that moment, seeing Baz dripping wet and half naked...

He didn’t know what had changed inside of him, but he needed to talk to Penelope immediately. Fuck, he was _fucked_. What was he even supposed to do with this information? 

He was pretty sure he wasn’t gay. Sure, he thought some guys were attractive, but he also had thought a lot of girls were attractive too. Plus, with all of the missions the Mage had put him on during his time at Watford, he really didn’t have the time to think about romance, or any other... _things_. He usually just assumed that he would always be single, especially if his life was always this chaotic.

But now the past few days were making sense, something clicked inside him that turned all that hate he had for Baz into something... else. He need to talk to Penelope, to try and work out these feelings. Nothing made sense anymore and whenever things didn’t make sense, Simon always turned to Penelope.

\-----

Simon found Penelope in the library, unsurprisingly. She almost always went there whenever Simon wasn’t with her. She couldn’t go with him, since he always ended up distracting her from reading. He felt bad about this sometimes, but he also knew that he couldn’t be around Penelope constantly. She deserved time to do the things she wanted.

But right now Simon needed her, so when he saw her sitting curled up in a chair, a large book placed in her lap, he went right up to her and said, “I need to talk to you, Penny. It’s important.”

Penelope looked up at him, concern in her eyes. She put the book aside and stood up, asking, “Are you alright? Did something happen when you talked to Baz?”

“Sort of... do you mind if we go somewhere more private?”

“Yeah, yeah of course,” She smiled at Simon softly, but the concerned look was still present in her eyes. He hadn’t meant to make her worry, he just didn’t want someone to overhear what he wanted to tell her.

They made their way outside, finding a remote location to settle down in. Simon was nervous and he was letting it show. How was he supposed to tell Penelope about this? What was he even supposed to do with this knowledge even after she found out?

The two friends sat down on the grass, but neither of them spoke for another minute. Finally, Penelope pushed her hair out of her face and asked, “So, what did you want to speak about?”

Simon sighed and laid down, still not sure what to say but knowing he had to say it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before saying, “I think I like Baz.”

“Wait- what do you mean like?”

“Like- like, I think I fancy him.”

“Since when?” Penelope asked, sounding almost _too_  shocked.

“Not sure, I just realized today but- but I think I’ve liked him longer than that, that’s why I’m so, y’know...”

“Obsessed with him?” When Simon opened his eyes to glare at her, and even in the dark he could see that she didn’t looked very surprised. In fact, she had a cheeky little smile on her face that Simon did not like one bit.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Simon asked, sitting up so he could look at Penelope properly.

“Well,” She started, “You do talk about him _constantly_. Plus, earlier today you were zoned out for quite a while because you were worried about him.”

“Are you saying you guessed it already?!”

Penelope shrugged, “I had my theories.”

“You- you had theories?!” Simon sputtered out, “How long have you had these ‘theories?’”

“Beginning of this year. I think things clicked when you started following him around constantly like a lost puppy.”

Simon groaned and laid back down, “I can’t believe you knew and didn’t tell me!”

“I thought you knew already and were too scared to tell _me_!”

“No! I just had no clue!”

“Well, now we know,” Penelope said.

"Wait, but earlier you acted surprised when I said I was worried about him," Simon pointed out, "If you had theories, why were you so surprised then?"

Penelope shrugged, "It was only theories, I still mostly thought you actually just hated him. You  _did_ still constantly talk about hating him. I just, y'know, also thought it might be more to it then that."

"You're very strange, Penny. I don't understand you."

Penelope laughed and slapped Simon's arm, "It makes perfect sense, trust me."

Simon started laughing too, shoving at Penelope playfully. When they both had settled down, Penelope asked, “What are you going to do about it? Are you going to tell him?”

“Absolutely not! That would be a terrible idea, Penny, and we both know it.”

“Well, you _did_  say that you two had had an emotional conversation the other night, so who knows! Maybe he also fancies you.”

Simon rolled his eyes, “Fat chance. Plus, he’s been ignoring me ever since that night. He most likely is embarrassed that he ever spoke to me.”

“ _Or_ , he’s been plotting all the ways to get to your heart!” Penelope said, obviously teasing Simon now.

“You’re seriously the worst, Penny.”

“Oh, I know,” Penelope grinned, “You still love me.”

Simon laughed and punched her arm slightly, before saying, “It really sucks that the one person I really want to snog happens to be the same person who most likely wants to kill me.”

“That’s life, alright,” Penelope said with a laugh.

Simon stared up at the starry sky and wished a shooting star would go by, just for him. He knew wishing wasn’t how magic worked, but there was no harm trying, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo hoped yall liked it! if you did, feel free to leave comments and kudos + hmu on twitter (@Allegrcat) and talk 2 mee
> 
> this prob wont be much longer, but ill prob have a few more chapters of mutual pining/stupidity before they actually stop being idiots and do something about their feelings but yknow. no watford snowbaz fics are complete without a painful amount of slowburn amiritie?
> 
> also as a bisexual with ADHD, simon snow is the ADHD bisexual icon we all needed. love that boy
> 
> and btw i write at like 3 am every night and almost never check over shit because i fuckin suck so if you ever see typos or spelling errors or anything tell me so i can go back and fix them cause im very unobservant and tired and miss a lot of shit lmao


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It sucked knowing that the one person Baz wanted to snog most was also the one person who was most likely to kill him. He wasn’t being over dramatic, that was just the truth. That had been the truth since he had started going to this blasted school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hey look my insomniac ass is posting chapters in the middle of the night again what a surprise
> 
> anyways,,, hope yall like it!

It sucked knowing that the one person Baz wanted to snog most was also the one person who was most likely to kill him. He wasn’t being over dramatic, that was just the truth. That had been the truth since he had started going to this blasted school.

The other night had just been an anomaly, an uncharacteristic blip that would change nothing in the Simon vs Baz dynamic. The only thing it changed was now Baz couldn’t even think about taunting or mocking Simon without feeling sick. He had even witnessed Simon tripping while leaving the bathroom and all he wanted to do was go over and help him!

Baz’s life was in shambles, all over one night of showing weakness. How had he been so careless? He had been doing this for five years, keeping his love for Simon hidden from everyone around him. Even Dev and Niall had no idea- in Baz’s defense, they weren’t exactly the most gay friendly bunch. Having his two only friends constantly making homophobic jokes and comments took a toll on Baz.

Baz was sulking. He knew he couldn’t talk to Simon so emotionally again, he barely could  _ look _ at Simon. Even sleeping in the same room as him had been too much, so Baz had found himself sneaking out of their room at night and making his way to the catacombs. He was barely sleeping and that was beginning to affect his performance in school. He knew he needed to get out of this slump, to stop being such a goddamn idiot and get Simon fucking Snow out of his mind, but no matter how hard he tried he could not do it.

Baz decided to take a shower, figuring that was the best place to be completely alone to think things through more. When he got to the room, Snow was fast asleep on his bed, curled up into a ball and making soft noises in his sleep. He was so pretty when he slept.

He made his way into the bathroom, stripping off his clothes and getting in the shower. He stayed in for a while, not wanting to leave and face the world again. Plus, the water felt nice on his sore back. He hadn’t even realized how sore he was until now, apparently sleeping on the floor of ancient catacombs fucked up your back. Who would have guessed.   
  
When the water started getting cold, he knew he should get out. He hoped that Simon would still be asleep when he left, so Baz could continue ignoring him. He lazily toweled off his hair, before wrapping the towel around his waist and leaving the bathroom.

Because Baz was incredibly unlucky, when he got out of the bathroom Simon was awake, sitting up in bed and staring at him. Baz was about to make a comment about how Simon should just take a picture if he’s gonna stare that much, but than Simon blushed profusely and scrambled off the bed, practically yelling, “I have to go meet Penelope,” as he ran out of the room.

Baz stayed where he was, staring at the spot where Simon had been sitting. What had just happened? Why had he freaked out like that? Baz figured he should think through what this all meant, but that would involve thinking about Simon even more than usual, and that was the exact opposite of what Baz wanted.

So instead he sat on his bed and started to read, wanting to distract himself from the havoc Simon was causing inside of Baz.

It was hard to focus, though. He couldn’t get the look on Simon’s face out of his head. Why had he looked so shocked like that? It’s not like it was the first time he had seen Baz half naked, they had been roommates for five years after all.

But the way he had looked at Baz... fuck, it made him melt. He looked almost aroused, his pupils blown and his face crimson. There was no way Baz would be able to ever forget the way he looked. 

The biggest question on his mind was  _ why _ ? Why had Simon looked like that? Why did he run out of the room so quickly after seeing Baz? He almost wanted to entertain the thought that  _ maybe _ , just maybe Simon was beginning to feel the same way that Baz felt for him. That was impossible, wasn’t it? There was no way Simon Snow would ever feel the that way about him. They were rivals, sworn enemies, there was no way Snow would ever think of him as anything other than a monster.

On the other hand, why else would Simon look at him like that? Like just seeing Baz was enough to get him hot and bothered (and not in the “going off” way)? None of this made any sense, he wished he had some best friend he could talk to about all of this... 

If Simon was having a crisis like this he would run straight (or should he say, run gay) to Penelope. 

Although... Simon  _ had _ said he had to meet with Penelope...

_ No!  _ He couldn’t think like that! He couldn’t get his hopes up that maybe Simon did have romantic feelings about Baz. It would hurt too much if he thought about it and then it turned out to not be true. He needed to be rational, nothing good would come from having these childish fantasies about Snow falling for Baz.

Baz did think about it a little bit, though.

He just couldn’t help himself. His mind kept wandering to thoughts of Simon sweeping him off his feet, telling him that he also loved Baz...

Baz shook his head, trying to physically remove the image from his mind. It was stupid, it was all so fucking stupid. Why on earth would Simon want that? Baz had been bullying him the whole time they had known each other, Simon would have to be a huge masochist if he ever wanted to get with him. It wasn’t logical in the slightest, and yet...

Yet  _ nothing _ , Baz kept reminding himself. Nothing was different, Simon had always been weird, this wasn’t anything new. He must have remembered some... some  _ mission _ that made him run off so quickly. Or maybe he wanted to avoid Baz, afraid that he would kill the other boy because of what had happened the previous night. That made much more sense.

And yet...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one was shorter i just didnt want it to get too repetitive yknow but i hope its good!
> 
> and as usual feel free to leave comments and kudos and also hmu on twitter (@Allegrcat) cause im always up to talk about snowbaz so yknow B) talk to me B)
> 
> have a good day/night!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But it was so late, and he was so tired, and he knew he had to go back to his room. He hoped that Baz had fallen asleep, but considering he was fucking nocturnal that wasn’t likely to happen. He also hoped that maybe Baz would be back in the catacombs, but than he got sad because he didn’t want him to be alone and cold down there...
> 
> Fuck, Simon was so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh I'm sorry this took so long I've just been overwhelmed with Things™ and also I don't have a laptop so it was slower than before (I had been using my boyfriends laptop since I was staying with him for a while)
> 
> I hope y'all like this though!!
> 
> (Also the chapters will be released slower from now on because I don't have access to a computer (i only own a cheap tablet) but I'll still try to update as quickly as possible!!)

Simon eventually had to part ways from Penelope, although he really did not want to. He was scared to go back to his room, but now for a completely new reason. How was he supposed to deal with these newfound feelings? Even if Penny insisted she had known beforehand, Simon wasn’t completely convinced. It felt like she was trying to play a trick on him. There was no way Simon liked Baz.

And yet...

And yet it explained so many things, like why Simon kept having the compulsive need to know everything that Baz was doing; or how he always had thought Baz was quite attractive, even if Penny and Agatha never agreed. (He still believed they were lying, there was no way they didn’t find him hot.) (Although now he was beginning to believe that Penelope had guessed it, since Simon had on multiple occasions insisted that Baz was by far the most attractive person at school.)

So this is why Simon delayed going to his room for as long as possible. He knew he couldn’t stay away forever- unlike Baz, he wasn’t up for sleeping in the catacombs. It’s not like he was the weird introvert who had a knack for hiding away in B horror movie sets (or, places that look like they are a B horror movie set.)

But it was so late, and he was so tired, and he knew he had to go back to his room. He hoped that Baz had fallen asleep, but considering he was fucking nocturnal that wasn’t likely to happen. He also hoped that maybe Baz would be back in the catacombs, but than he got sad because he didn’t want him to be alone and cold down there...

Fuck, Simon was so fucked.

Simon tried to linger a little while longer, but eventually gave up and made his way back to his room. He tried opening the door quietly, but to no use. All the lights were on in the room and Baz was lounging on his bed, reading a book.

He was _so fucked_.

Simon didn’t say anything to Baz, just walked to the bathroom and locked the door. He wasn’t planning to shower, he just wanted a little extra time before having to be so close to Baz.

He stared at himself in the mirror, running his fingers through his hair and trying to ignore the bags under his eyes. He was fifteen, why did he look so old? He practically was grown up, most likely from all the things he had to kill through the years. And from all the things trying to kill him...

And now he was thinking about Baz again. Great. Just when he thought he could think of something completely unrelated to his pretty boy roommate.

Simon really wished that he could go see Penelope, but she was in her room and even though she managed to find a way into Simon’s housing, he had absolutely no idea how to get into hers. Penelope truly was incredible sometimes. She would scare him a lot if they weren’t best friends (she still scared him quite a bit, though).

After it had been a bit too long staying in the bathroom, Simon finally left it, trying to not look at Baz as he made his way to his own bed. He could feel Baz staring at him, which made ignoring him a lot harder then Simon anticipated. He tried to think of what Penny would tell him to do in this situation.

" _Do your homework. Read a book. Bash your head against the wall. I don't know, just stop talking to me about him_ ," Is what she usually said whenever Simon would bring up his roommate.

So that's what Simon did, he found a book that Penelope had lent to him and began to read. It took him only a few moments to realize he would not be able to understand the book, but he continued anyway. He mostly was just doing this so he would have an excuse to not look at Baz. Although, now that he was thinking about the other boy he quickly glanced in his direction.

Baz was still staring at Simon.

Simon hadn't expected that. He didn't know what he expected, but it most definitely was not that. He quickly looked back at his book- Merlin, what book was this even? He couldn't understand any bit of it. All the sentences seemed to blend together and none of it made sense. How Penny (or anybody, for that matter) was able to read this was beyond Simon. He did want to understand, just so many words and phrases made no sense to him. He would read them over and over again and yet nothing made any more sense then when he had started.

Apparently using the book as a distraction worked, since it had been a good ten minutes and Simon had completely forgotten about his fit roommate who was sitting in the bed beside him.

But now Simon couldn't ignore him, since Baz had broken the silence by asking, "So what did you have to talk to Bunce about?"

"School work. S-she was helping me study," Simon lied, hoping Baz didn't mock him for the slight stutter. Why Baz was asking him this at all confused Simon, but he was too focused on keeping his breathing steady to think much on it.

"Why the rush?"

 _Why are you asking me this?_ Simon wanted to say, but instead replied, "We had planned to meet at a specific time and I was late."

"Ah, of course," It was a snide remark, Simon knew that, but for some reason he didn't feel hurt about it. All these feelings were so confusing to him, his brain was so fogged up he couldn't think clearly.

Which is why he didn't stop himself from blurting out, "You look ill. Are you doing alright, mate?"

Baz seemed startled by Simon's words, he almost looked like someone had just smacked him in the face. It wasn't _that_ weird of Simon to ask how Baz was doing, was it?

"Why on earth do you care, Snow? I'm surprised you aren't out celebrating the fact that I look sickly. Although, I suppose that would put a damper on your whole 'vampire' theory, so I guess I understand why you're so upset."

"I'm not upset, I just was asking a question," Simon responded, adding a very quiet "wanker" under his breath. Baz started glaring at him even more, though, which was just more points to the vampire theory. Super hearing? Check.

"Are you doing your whole 'I want to be friends' thing from the other night again? Because if you are I'm not interested."

Simon felt his stomach drop and tried to ignore it, saying, "Why? Do you really feel like spending another three years fighting your roommate."

"I've grown quite fond of fighting you, actually. I wouldn't mind a bit doing it for a few more years."

"Jesus, I'm fucking trying here, dickhead," Simon snapped, feeling fed up with Baz's behavior.

"Swearing like a Normal? _Very_ classy, Snow."

"Why don't you just fucking slink away to the catacombs like you usually do, I'm sick of your face," Simon yelled, too frustrated to deal with Baz anymore. And to think he was starting to develop feelings for the prick.

Except he still had the feelings. Even after Baz slammed the door shut behind him, leaving Simon fuming and the room filling with smoke, his anger and frustration came more from a place of heartbreak then anywhere else.

He thought Baz was changing. He thought that maybe things would turn out okay between the two of them, but instead he was left empty and smelling like smoke.

He still didn't understand why Baz had to be so mean to him. Simon had given him so many openings their first year, but every time Baz shut him down. What had made him hate Simon so much, and in so little time? It couldn't just be the wars and Family drama, could it be? Why would an eleven year old care so much about all of that? Simon really did not understand.

Simon let himself cry. He felt pathetic for it, but he found himself curled up on his bed and crying. Whoever thought the reason Baz might make Simon cry was over a foolish crush.

He was extremely glad that Baz had actually left. It would have been so much worse if he had stayed and Simon cried (or gone off). It already was bad enough, he didn't want the asshole who caused him to cry seeing him doing it.

Simon didn't know how long he cried, but the next thing he knew he felt like his entire body had dried up. He got up from bed, stretching his limbs and opening the window all the way. Baz always hated when he did that, said it made the room too cold. Well  _fuck_ Baz, he could freeze to death for all Simon cared.

Simon sat in from of the window and watched the night sky. The stars were s beautiful, he always dreamed as a child to reach out and touch them.

Then he got older and learned that if he fulfilled that dream he would die. Really put a damper on things. (Although, that did seem to be a good metaphor for hismlofe as a whole.)

The sky was just beginning to shift from black to grey, the telltale sign that the sun was beginning to rise. Simon continued to sit in front of the window, watching the sky as it slowly began to get lighter.

 He almost didn't hear the door opening, but he did hear it. Baz was back. Perhaps he decided he wouldn't follow Simon's orders. Or maybe he just wanted to sleep in his bed and had expected Simon to be asleep. Either way, he was here now and Simon was trying hard to ignore him.

Except Baz came over and sat beside Simon, not saying a word. Neither of them said a word. It almost could have been peaceful, if it wasn't Baz who had sat next to him. Maybe if it was Penelope. Or Agatha. Or really anyone except Baz.

Simon was about to get up and go back to his bed when Baz put a hand on his arm, stopping him from getting up. Simon could feel his heart speed up. Whether he was preparing for a fight or something... else, he wasn't sure. 

Except it couldn't have been a fight, because when Simon looked at Baz's face he seemed so open, so sincere. There was no fight or anger in his eyes, just defeat.

"I'm- I'm sorry, Simon," Baz whispered and Simon could swear the air left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual feel free to leave comments and kudos I'd y'all liked it! I love ur feedback and it makes me more motivated to write (and thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos already! y'all are awesome!)
> 
> Feel free to talk to me on twitter (@Allergcat) or instagram (@artsy_vampire) cause I'm seriously lacking in friends who like Carry On and I need to talk to more people about it haha
> 
> Have a nice day/night!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry I took a break for so long. I’ve had mega writers block for like, every form of writing I’ve tried to do recently, so I haven’t really been able to write anything
> 
> Also I’m sorta drunk ao if there are any typos I apologise cause I’m drunk and don’t jave a beta dhdhhddkl

Baz paced back and forth in the catacombs, angry at Snow for being so pushy about a   _ friendship  _ building between them. No, that wasn't it. He was angry at himself. Angry that he was so insistent on pushing the other boy away. 

He knew his family would despise him, maybe even disown him, if he made friends with Snow, but why should he care? They controlled his entire life, made him feel awful for every small thing he did wrong. They were aloof and mean, never wanting him to ever explore who he really was. They ignored his vampirism and his gayness, made him never talk about the two biggest parts of himself.

Did he just want to get with Snow to spite his father? How pathetic was he?

That wasn’t it, though. He really did like Snow, he just hated that now Snow had been pushing for a friendship recently. They had what, one good talk? Was that really all Snow needed to start a friendship?

Crowley, how was he so  _ kind _ ? After all the years of- of  _ bullying  _ he still wanted to make nice. How could he be so sweet? And so pretty, and so strong, and...

No. No going down that road. Even if he did make friends with Snow, Baz decided to keep those feelings out of it. He had to forget them, if he wanted to work things out with Snow.

Baz made his way back to their room, having been in the catacombs for a while already. If he stayed down there any longer, the sun might rise and someone might see him lurking about. Well, someone other than Snow. 

The sun was just beginning to rise as he made his way to their tower. He tried to think of a plan as he walked, not sure if he really did want to apologize to Snow yet. He didn’t know anything about what he really wanted. Would Snow even accept an apology? Or did Baz push him away for good this time? His heart ached at that thought, hoping that that wouldn’t be the case. He knew he shouldn’t feel that way, since he was the one to do the pushing, but he couldn’t help it. 

Crowley, he was weak. His father would be so disappointed. 

As he walked up the stairs, he realized that Snow might be asleep. How long had it been since he left? If the sun was beginning to rise, it must have been a while. A part of him hoped Snow was asleep, so he could continue to put off this conversation.

But, as he opened the door, he immediately saw that Snow was sitting in front of the window. So, not exactly asleep. Baz saw him freeze up, but he still didn’t move at all. He continued to stare out the window, completely ignoring that Baz had come back.

He couldn’t get off that easy. Baz made his way to the window and sat beside Snow, before he had a chance to think through the consequences. Snow didn’t move away, but he also didn’t look at Baz. That was fine. Baz could deal with that. 

The two boys sat in silence for a few minutes as Baz worked up the courage to actually say anything. Seriously, when did he get so weak?

What made him finally act was Snow standing up, probably done with Baz and wanting to go back to bed. That was fair. But that wasn’t what Baz wanted. Baz knew he had to talk now, or else he might never get around to it. He reached out and grabbed Snow’s arm, stopping him from getting up and leaving.

Snow gave him a surprised look that softened after a moment. Baz felt his heart speed up at that look. He was so beautiful. How could he manage to say what he wanted to say?

“I’m- I’m sorry, Simon,” Baz all but whispered, his heart beating so rapidly he thought it might jump out of his chest. 

Snow’s opened wide, his mouth slightly parted as he stared at Baz. The world seemed to stand still, as if someone had cast a spell on their room to stop all time. Everything seemed vaguely surreal.

“Did you just call me Simon?” Snow asked, quiet enough that Baz might not have heard if he wasn’t a vampire.

“What?” Was all Baz could say.

“Did you call me Simon?” He repeated, sitting back down, even closer to Baz then before.

“I- I guess I did,” Baz replied, looking down at his lap. He couldn’t look at Snow like this, with them sitting this close, with the morning sun beginning to shine on Snow’s freckled face.

Snow put his hand on Baz’s chin and lifted his head so they were making eye contact. Baz clenched his hands into fists, trying to keep calm at this physical touch. He didn’t know what to do, the whole situation seemed like a dream.

“I like hearing you say my name,” Snow- no,  _ Simon  _ whispered.

“You do?” Baz asked, glad he was a vampire so Simon couldn’t see him blush.

“Yeah, you should do it more often.”

“I’m- I’m still really sorry. I was just- I wasn’t expecting you to try to be friendly, so I freaked out and-“ Baz was cut off by Simon leaning in and kissing him.

Baz felt his eyes widen, his heart beating wildly. He was pretty sure he somehow was even blushing, even if that wasn’t really possible considering how little blood he had that day.

After a moment, Simon moved away, a guilty look on his face as he scrambled to get up, mumbling, “I’m sorry I- I don’t know why I did that. I’m- shit, so sorry.”

Baz stares at the spot where Simon was once sitting, feeling so many different emotions all at once. Mostly surprise and confusion. Also anger at himself for acting like he didn’t want Simon to do that. 

Simon was sitting on his bed, hands covering his face as he continued to apologize. Baz felt himself stand up, body moving on autopilot as he went to Simon’s bed. He moved Simon’s hands away from his face, pushing him down on the bed and saying, “I’ve wanted you to do that all year.”

“Wait- what?” Simon began to say, but Baz interrupted him by kissing him again. He hoped he was okay, since he had never done this before. Had Simon done this before? No, he shouldn’t think about that. Instead, he focused his thoughts on what was happening in the present.

Baz was kissing Simon Snow.

Baz was kissing Simon Snow  _ after Simon already kissed him. _

He had Simon pinned under him, kissing him deeply while the other boy ran his hands through Baz’s hair. It felt so amazing, every touch felt electric and he wasn’t sure if it was because of Simon’s magic or because he had been wanting this to happen for so long.

Simon surprised him by flipping them over so he was on top. He didn’t kiss him again quite yet, instead just stared down at Baz with dark eyes. Baz wanted to memorize this image, to never forget how Simon looked while staring down at him.

“You really wanted this?” Simon asked, trailing his thumb over Baz’s lips.

Baz nodded in reply, unable to speak now that Simon had him pinned like this. He felt like his whole body was on fire, every inch of contact he had with Simon was like electricity running through his veins. 

Simon just smiled down at him, a glint in his eye as he said, “I’ve been feeling this too, at least... at least recently I have. I thought it was one sided, though.”

“It’s- it’s not one sided,” Baz managed to say, still in awe that Simon was actually into him. He didn’t even know that Simon was into guys.

“Yeah, I sorta got that when you pinned me to my bed while kissing me,” Simon laughed.

“So you really liked me? This whole time?”

“Maybe not the whole time,” Simon said, “Although, maybe the whole time. I just didn’t know what the feelings where. I just thought I was really passionate about hating you.”

“Never experienced attraction before?”

“No, that’s not it. I just... didn’t think about it. Until recently. Then I uh, couldn’t stop thinking about it. Or like, couldn’t stop thinking about  _ you.” _

“Shit, really?”

“Yeah, why else would I randomly start trying to make friends?”

“You started crushing on me?”

“Yup,” Simon laughed, “Now that I think about it, I might’ve started crushing before. I was just in mega denial.”

Baz laughed and rested his hands on Simon’s back, saying, “Well, I’m glad you’re not in denial any more. I really like kissing you.”

“Oh yeah?” Simon grinned, before leaning down and kissing Baz again. Baz kissed back deeply, feeling more than amazing.

They kept kissing for what felt like hours. Baz still felt like he was in a dream, that he would wake up suddenly and be Simon’s rival once again. But that kept not happening, and soon Baz realized that this was the real life. He really was kissing Simon. It was becoming lazy and tired, both of them finally feeling the fact that neither of them had slept yet but still refusing to stop kissing. They were too into it, not wanting the touching to end. 

Finally, Simon stopped kissing Baz and fell asleep on top of him. Baz was still awake, heart beating too wildly to sleep. He strokes Simon’s hair as the other boy slept, wanting to keep him comfortable. 

Baz couldn’t help smiling to himself. He had been such an idiot, he could’ve had Simon forever ago if he hadn’t been such a dick. But that was the past, and he knew he should stop focusing on things that didn’t matter anymore. 

As he laid in bed, the sun fully rising while Simon slept on top of him, Baz thought that love couldn’t be a weakness. It only became a weakness if you refused to feel it, if you never let yourself indulge in the positive feelings. Love was a strength, it opened you to a world you never would feel if you stayed bitter. His father was an idiot for thinking love made you weak.

Love was a force like the ocean. It could seem calm at first glance, but as you learned more you would see that it was a mighty force that should be feared. People in love had a strength no one else had: they had themselves and their partner to stand against the world. They would have a person with them no matter what. They could face the apocalypse and win.

Love is only a weakness if you refused to feel it. But if you let yourself feel it, if you let yourself be absorbed by love you would only get stronger.

Love was never weak, and Baz realized his father could never be strong if he refused to love. He would always be a bitter old man who if he never let himself love.

Baz would always be better than his family, because he was the only one who let himself be soft.

As he held a sleeping Simon in his arms, as the sun started to shine completely on the two boys, Baz knew he made the right choice. Even if he wasn’t with Simon forever, he knew that letting himself be with him at this moment would strengthen himself in the future.

Baz was ready to live his life while feeling love. Whether that was romantic or platonic didn’t matter, all that mattered was that Baz would let himself be happy for the first time in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y’all liked it! Feel free to message me on twitter (Allegrcat), tumblr (griffinmcelroyspissknk), or snapchat (artsy_vampire)! I like talking to ppl so it’d br good to talk !
> 
> Have a good day!

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to leave comments and kudos and hmu on twitter (@Allegrcat)!! I need more people to talk to about snowbaz to
> 
> Also if u liked it lmk if I should keep writing more snowbaz (before now I've mostly just written band related fics but I might wanna write more snowbaz too we'll see)


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